In a client meeting yesterday I was asked if we could design a new logo for a brand. No problem at all.

The criteria are that it can't contain blue, green, red, pink, orange, yellow or browns. Nor can it contain white.

But they like mono. But it needs to be colourful.

Then, the finishing touch - we don't like silver or gold.

Suggestions?

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Customer sent us as email, the contents of which are:

Hi,
Why hasn't the news on my website been updated? We have a whole range of new products that I want mentioning in news but youve not written anything about them.
Thanks

Our answer was as follows:

Hi,

We don't maintain your news content, it is entirely within your own control from the CMS. You have previously listed a variety of news items but seemed to stop doing so around Christmas 2010. If you'd like us to talk you through how to do this again, please just give us a call and we'd be happy to talk through it with you.

Us.

Their reply to the above was this:

Hi, thanks for that. I have never put any news on the website, you must have done it.

Our reply to this is:

Hi,

No, we have no maintenance contract in respect of administration or publication of news item, and we've never listed any news items on the site. We'll give you a call to discuss.

Us.

Their reply, within about 60 seconds of the above, was:

Hi, sorry, you are right. Ive realised it was my wife doing the news but she left me in January and hasnt been doing it since.


We haven't replied to the last email. What do you say to that?!

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A short one...

Email arrived today and this is exactly that the content of the enquiry said:

"Hello, do you write websites for the internet? I need a website for my pets but it must be on the internet so my parents can see it from France, can you do that?"

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OMG. Another one.

Client called to say they couldn't access the internet and who was their website hosted with? We asked what they meant, was it just their website they couldn't access or the internet in general?

The response was 'the internet just isn't working, so who am I hosted with'.

Trying to explain to them that their broadband was down and that we hadn't a clue who they were with.....arghhhh.

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Today I was asked what the 'e' in 'e-mail' stood for.

Despite the urge to say exciting, or elephant, or enormous, or elongated, or maybe even 'exaggerated', I resisted.

Instead I said 'easy'. To which they replied 'Oh yeah, of course it would be!'.

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Had an e-mail from a customer this morning, as you do on a Sunday when you're trying to relax.

Started off bad, got worse, as they do.

First complaint was that their website wasn't generating enough sales and it couldn't have anything to do with the fact their products are, on average, about 20% more than all their competitors.

Second complaint was that the telephone number on their website was wrong because they'd changed their numbers 2 week agos and we should have known. Right.

Third complaint was that they had no News to publish on the website so it had slipped in the search engine rankings and we should be doing more - despite them not taking our offer of Search Engine Optimisation services.

Where do you start? I was thinking of two words.

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I went out on a small job this morning to a clients to fix a reported broken printer. The description I had was that it wouldn't print - that was all.

I spent all of 2 minutes on site when I discovered that both paper trays were empty.

They'll still be getting an invoice.

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Client called me on my mobile today and said their web site was down. I could get to it so I asked them to check again. Called me back and said their friend could get onto the web site but they still couldn't and wanted to know why. Told them it must be their web connection. They said it must be the web site. Repeat this 100 times.

Then I hung up. Things you don't need on a Sunday - idiots.

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All day liaising with a customer over changes to their website; all of which we advised them against.

7 hours of work. Then, sent them the completed work and they loved it.

Great.

No.

The following morning we get an e-mail saying they've changed their mind and want to revert to the original - and they want to know why we'd expect them to pay an invoice for the work carried out the previous day.

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Heard a good one today. Client telephoned to ask about adding a page to their website (custom design, static, no CMS). When I asked about the content they said they wanted it to look like a rivals homepage.

I paused, umm'd and ahh'd a bit and asked for them to clarity what they meant.

They said they wanted to replicate their competitors homepage exactly so they could try to capture their visitors and pretend to be them. When I told them they could be asking for legal trouble, without doubt, by doing that they said "well who's going to tell them, you won't, will you?".

I asked what they thought they'd do about the address, the payment name, the phone numbers etc and they said "Hmm, hadn't thought of that."

Finally they said "Let me think about this. Maybe it would be better to replicate their whole site and set up new phone numbers and stuff."

I sometimes wonder if I live in a different world.

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Today we were asked if a website would cost less if it was only used on weekdays, because the guy didn't want it to be available on weekends as he said 'most people go out, so would that cost less if I didn't have it working on a Saturday and Sunday'?

Now, let me think about that one...

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Had a grim one with a potential motors client.

Client came to us with a massive list of requirements for their new website and so I replied back with a cost that met those requirements.

Client said that was too expensive. So I removed some requirements and reduced the cost. Again client said they didn't have that budget.

So one last time I removed some further features from their original brief and gave him a nice budget cost.

He rang later and absolutely berated us on the phone saying that we were ripping him off by starting at a massive price and now doing it for peanuts, with no mention of the fact that there was a massive change in the feature list.

Tried to explain it was like him coming into his dealership looking to buy a Porsche for £500 and eventually offering him a used Ford Focus to match the budget.

He was having none of it and went off in a huff!!!!

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What makes a customer think they can ring me at 6.30pm on a Friday and ask if their website is down.....when they have failed to pay the hosting bill despite 4 requests for payment and are now 8 weeks overdue!

When I told them this they replied "Well did you really need to suspend the site? That's a bit rough."

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I have just been asked if I could drive 30 miles to fix a monitor that won't switch on. It's 8.30pm on a Friday night and I'm not going anywhere. So I told them this and the reply was.....

...oh, oooo, ahhhh, just as well really because I've just realised something.

I said 'What?'

The caller said 'I've switched the PC off by accident. That's why nothing is on the screen. Sorry, got to go, bye...'

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Telephone call received this morning:

Caller : "Hello, can you tell me how much a website would cost?"

Me: "Well that depends on what type of website it is you require and how involved it would be. Could you tell me a little about what the purpose of the website would be and your business/company?"

Caller : "I want a website that would be on the internet. I didn't know there were different places? What do you mean?"

Me : "I understand that sir, but would you want to sell goods online, or use it purely to promote your company without selling products or services on the internet, for example?"

Caller : "Oh I don't understand, forget it."

He then hung up.

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